November, 2015 Parent Update
Self-Control/Anger Management
Watching your teen in a moment of anger can be scary.
Anger management with adolescents is not something most parents want to
deal with; but unfortunately, it's something that often can’t be avoided.
Below are four tried and true strategies
(I've even used these with my own children) to help you, and your teen, deal with
those moments in which anger takes over:
1. Communication: “There’s nothing wrong
with feeling angry.”
At times as a teenager, my now adult son,
would become so angry that we needed to help him regain control. Though
he's heard it many times before, it was important for us to communicate to him
the following message, “There’s nothing wrong with feeling anger; the important
thing is what you do with it.” By acknowledging his anger as a real,
valid emotion, we took the first step in successful adolescent anger management.
Second, we gave him the opportunity to regain control by taking a few minutes
to gather his thoughts; and then, by taking those moments to enable him to
calmly talk about the incident, he could reconnect with his reasoning skill
which had shut down during the episode. As parents, it's important for us
to put ourselves in our children's shoes when they're having any issue; and
anger is no different. As you know, it's difficult for any of us to react
appropriately or effectively "in the moment" of extreme anger. Speaking out loud, or “verbalizing” about his anger, actually worked to
help diffuse the angry situation.
Another central part of communication is
listening. Listening to your teen sends the powerful nonverbal message to him
or her that, “What you think and feel matters to me. I may not agree with or
like what you say; but I’m willing to listen and consider your viewpoint.” This
is one of the best ways we helped with our teen’s anger management. When
kids know that we, as parents, as willing to listen to them, they become much
more open. Listening also allowed us, as parents, to show understanding.
We imagined ourselves in our adolescent’s position, and attempted to see things
from his viewpoint. Of course, this isn't always easy, and, active listening is
definitely a skill that takes practice; but, it's probably the most effective
skill you can aquire for your role as a parent.
2. Maintain a healthy lifestyle: Never
underestimate the power of exercise.
Getting rid of stress by exercising
regularly is very helpful for everyone, especially teens. Also, eating healthy,
nutritious foods helps the body maintain proper energy levels, keeps the brain
happy, and helps in behaviors related to not feeling well due to improper
nutrition. People who exercise regularly, and who eat well, are less
likely to overreact to those annoyances and inconveniences that often crop up
in daily life. School sports, working out at the local gym, bike riding,
and walking are good activities for teens to include in their schedules.
3. Improve time management skills
Teens are really busy, and planning their
time wisely can be a real challenge. However, one of the most common
anger stressors is poor time management. When our oldest boys were teens,
and even before, we worked with them on maintaining a realistic schedule that
would accommodate school, home, friends, and leisure activities. When your
teen is in a rush, and something goes awry in the schedule, he or
she likely may react in anger. Learning how to manage time
effectively is a great way to avoid outbursts of anger in your
adolescent.
4. Create a positive learning opportunity
After the negative feelings exacerbated
by the angry incident have subsided, we made sure to take a few moments of
mindful reflection with our children in order for them to effectively process
what had happened, and why it had happened, in order to help prevent the same
situations from occurring again. Of course, new situations will
arise; and, at times, children will repeat the same behaviors that have
triggered their angry outbursts before; but, remember, we're all a work in
progress, and there's no such thing as an instant fix...consistency is so
important for behavior change. When reflecting with your kids, try sharing some
similar struggles and experiences that you have had, and suggest strategies to
avoid such anger meltdowns in the future. Also, ask them for their input with
strategies they can try, things that can be done differently next time, etc.
People very often misdirect anger that may be caused by a valid, yet
completely different, and often bigger, issue, onto everyday annoyances and
inconveniences. There are valid reasons to become angry, but there are
also triggers (sometimes called hot buttons) that can provoke an angry
outburst. When you're processing the occurrence, help your teen recognize
the actual trigger of his or her anger, then brainstorm for effective ways he
or she can try to handle it. Remember, not everything works for everyone;
so, there should be an interactive, brainstorming, and experimental process in
which you help your teen find coping skills that work specifically for him or
her.
Once your teen learns to recognize his or
her anger triggers, he or she can take steps to avoid them; and, at that point,
your teen will be much more effective at considering what reaction(s) he or she
could have that will not produce unproductive anger responses when the trigger
occurs again. This will help him or her have a more appropriate reaction in
future anger producing situations.
As much as many adolescents like to assert their independence,
they actually feel more secure when their parents are in charge of the
situation, and able to pay attention to their concerns. Adolescent anger
management is an ongoing challenge in many families; but if you have
strategies to use, your home can be a much calmer, happier place.
You will find that you may have additional tips to add
to this list as you're working through anger management and coping skills
with your kids.
School Counselor
Rockport-Fulton High School
1801 Omohundro
P.O. Box 907
Rockport, TX 78381
(361) 790-2220
kkilgour@acisd.org
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